A couple whose cats is holding their brand new Vitamix hostage for several weeks says the stand-off will continue.
Back in November of 2021, Jessica and Nikii Gerson-Neeves ordered a Vitamix on Black Friday. When it arrived at their home in mid-December, the couple intended to enjoy the benefits of their new kitchen appliance only to be thwarted by their three cats.
Jessica says she put the large box down onto the kitchen floor for just a moment. That’s when Max the cat jumped immediately on it and wouldn’t get off. She thought it was very cute and snapped a picture and wrote a humorous post saying how Max, also known as the “sentient soccer ball,” was now holding the appliance hostage and shared it on a cat group.
“Sentient soccer ball excited about the possibilities the new Vitamix affords,” she wrote on the Facebook post. “Middle aged lesbians who bought the thing would very much appreciate being given access to it, but are giant suckers who are unwilling to relocate him. Stand-off is entering its second hour.”
She didn’t think much of her post, just intending it to bring a few smiles to a few people’s faces, but it went viral overnight with over 10,000 shares. People loved it. By the next morning Lando (aka “dust bunny”) had taken Max’s place so she posted a follow-up. Weeks later, all three cats (including George, aka “destroyer of worlds” are still are holding the box hostage in what Jessica calls “ApplianceGate.”
She shared with CBC News, how the ongoing narrative has taken on new meaning in 2022.
In the weeks that followed the cats’ taking the box hostage, people have came up with a funny solutions to get the cats to leave their Vitamix perch. One idea was to contact Vitamix for empty boxes, which Jessica followed up on just following New Year’s Day.
“We write to you because it has become clear at this point that without herculean intervention, we’re never going to get to use the new blender we’ve been longing for for years,” Jessica wrote to Vitamix. “Despite what many people have suggested, we aren’t writing to request additional Vitamixes—that would be ridiculous, and while we’re definitely ridiculous, we’re not quite that ridiculous.”
She continued, “I both dread and look forward to hearing your response, and encourage you (as I’m sure you are finding yourself with the urge to do so) to spread it to your colleagues as widely as you would like in order to laugh at the absolutely bonkers middle-aged lesbians who are losing a stand-off with their cats.”
That post went viral too.
Vitamix did, indeed, ship the couple three empty boxes, hoping that this would finally end the feline feud.
Alas, the decoy boxes didn’t work.
Even the arrival of a Cuisinart Ice Cream maker box did not deter the kitties. In fact Max almost took over that box too! Fortunately, Jessica and Nikii were able to retrieve the ice cream maker. However, Vitamix remains under siege.
And so the battle of the box continues.
The ongoing viral sensation of something so whimsical initially took Jessica by surprise. But she told CBC News that upon deeper reflection it makes sense as to why such a “silly, whimsical and low stakes situation” has captured everyone’s imaginations.
The coronavirus pandemic has brought a lot of darkness into people’s lives, and this funny story brings a smile to many people around the globe. So Jessica says they are not in a rush to end “ApplianceGate” because it is giving so much joy to so many people. Plus, “The cats are clearly having fun,” she adds.
For a sampling of the chronicle of three cats vs. Vitamix you can read a selection of posts below. And to get the latest updates and news go to Max, Lando and George’s Facebook page.
Dec 19, 2021
“BREAKING NEWS: Sentient soccer ball excited about the possibilities the new Vitamix affords. Middle aged lesbians who bought the thing would very much appreciate being given access to it, but are giant suckers who are unwilling to relocate him. Stand-off is entering its second hour.
Details to follow on this rapidly updating story.”
STAND-OFF: DAY TWO.
The situation continues to deteriorate, as the questionably sentient dust bunny called in as hostage negotiator convinces sentient soccer ball to decamp, only to reveal that it was a bait and switch. Sentient potato negotiator intern proved to be no help at all.
Middle aged lesbians, when asked for a quote, sat down in the middle of the floor and said “God f*cking dammit, you guys.”
STAND-OFF: DAY 3
After a brief, pitched battle for dominance that was over too quickly for photographic evidence to be recorded, the sentient potato (we are informed that he has lost his negotiator internship) has displaced the questionably sentient dust bunny and taken control of the Vitamix, quickly settling into a posture known widely as “I wish a bitch would.”
Middle aged lesbians were too busy crying on the living room floor for a quote to be obtained, although they may have muttered something about smoothies.
STAND-OFF: WEEK 2, DAY 3
This evening, the Great Vitamix Incident of 2021 has taken its most dramatic turn yet, as a massive error in judgment by the Middle-Aged lesbians has led, not to the Christmas miracle many predicted and hoped for, but instead a catastrophic exacerbation of an already disastrous situation.
Upon returning home from extended family festivities flush with gifts—including the Most Important Item on the wishlist, a brand new Cuisinart Ice Cream Maker—a Middle-Aged Lesbian who will remain unidentified, as she has not yet been charged with any crime or divorced by her wife (though that may be a little touch and go), absent-mindedly set down the new acquisition while bringing in the rest of the gifts and overnight bag.
Predictable results ensued as both sentient soccer ball and questionably sentient dust bunny are opportunistic f*cktrumpets, and Week 2, Day 3 of The Great Vitamix Incident of 2021 has now become Day 1 of The Great Vitamix And Cuisinart Incident of 2021.
The unnamed Middle-Aged lesbian responsible for this catastrophe was too busy chanting “MISTAKES WERE MADE OH DEAR GOD MISTAKES WERE MADE” to provide a quote of any coherence.
STAND-OFF: 2022 DAY 1? Total WEEK 3 DAY 3? IDFK at this point. Whatever. Time is an illusion, Vitamixes doubly so.
For all those hoping for or predicting a new start in the dawn of the new year, sadly you will have to look elsewhere, because Appliancegate continues unabated. This was probably predictable, given that the tag-teaming pair of Vitamix thieves can’t actually tell time. Indeed, the questionably sentient dust bunny (the sentient soccer ball was given the evening off) was so appalled by suggestions that he should consider getting a new goddamned hobby that he deployed his signature throw-head-back-for-maximum-melodrama-and-yell-like-a-weird-banshee move. [He can frequently be found displaying similar, if slightly quieter, hollering at mealtimes and basically any other hour of the day or night, because he’s yelly.] Needless to say, no further attempts to relocate him were made, if only to protect the eardrums of the household’s remaining residents.
The middle-aged lesbians, who have now finished the second round of homemade ice cream and realized that the consume-more-fruits-and-veggies part of the New Years resolutions might have to wait for a *different* year, displayed signs of admitting defeat when they pulled the ancient Osterizer blender out of the to-donate box and stuffed it glumly back in the cupboard.
STAND-OFF: DAY ∞ +1
The news came this morning that yesterday’s desperate plea to The Vitamix Gods will not go unanswered; three boxes will indeed be sent to the Temperamental Chucklef*ck household, and not a moment too soon. Today witnessed the spectacular breakdown of the soccer ball/dust bunny treaty when the questionably sentient dust bunny declined to clear off for the sentient soccer ball’s shift. The soccer ball had no intention of taking this lying down and a pitched battle commenced, of which a single action shot is included. Please be aware that this content may be disturbing to sensitive viewers.
The middle-aged lesbians, busy celebrating the hopefully imminent arrival of additional Vitamix boxes and the hope that blender reclamation will follow shortly thereafter with a third round of homemade ice cream, appeared scarcely to notice the fervent battle taking place in the kitchen. They seemed disinclined to intervene, and indeed the only quote we were able to obtain was that they planned to “let the furry little demons thunderdome it.”
Updates to continue until the situation resolves itself…or there’s nobody with thumbs left alive to update.
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